Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Chaos journaling:

I wish I could turn off the voices inside of my head that yell at me every time I see my house in chaotic disarray (which is most of the time). Somedays it is really more than I can handle. I have tried so many things to get organized. But it seems that anything I try just lasts for a bit and then I am back staring the chaos in the face wondering why I live this way. I know it is harsh and that it shouldn't affect me this way. But I haven't been able to change the way it makes me feel. I am beating myself up inside all the time now. I just want it to end. I think, well, when such and such happens it will get better. But it doesn't. I keep throwing stuff away and donating things and still never get to the end of the piles. There are fewer than when I started trying to get organized about 5 years ago. But how long is this going to take? I am hoping when we move that we can leave lots of this clutter behind and start over. But that is what I said when we moved 3 years ago.
I want a home that is decorated and organized. People all over the place have them. Why can't I have one, too? What have I done that is so wrong to deserve this? I am a faithful wife, a dependable and loving mother, a compassionate and devoted friend. My depression ended over 4 years ago. But I still have to deal with the consequences of that depression every day. I would almost rather be depressed than have to look myself squarely in the eye everyday and come up lacking. That is the only explanation I have for this.
I watch the shows, I read the books, I pray and pray some more and I cry. I am crying about it a lot lately and I try not to let me family see how much it upsets me. You would think if something is this bad, I could just "do the thing" and fix it. But that is what makes me cry. I don't know how. I am an educated woman and I don't know how to do it and maintain it and to train everyone else to do the same. I make a list, I get a plan and then somehow it never gets finished all the way. Either there is something I need to buy that we can't afford, something I am not sure how to do, or I just burn out from trying so hard. So I try to take baby steps, but forcing myself over and over again everyday to start something that makes me feel awful is not very bearable either. It would be worth huge sums of money to me to have someone help me get through this. But I don't ever see that happening. That just isn't in the budget. Nor is having someone to help me around the house. I want to be at home with my kids. I just don't want to be a stay at home mom in MY house. Why can't I do it in one of those I see where everything has a place and people know how to put things away?

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