Friday, November 21, 2008

A New Day Has Dawned

My spirit has been longing to write again. To be examined and expressed. The time has come to return to my inner roots that both comfort and challenge me. I spent some time this morning reading my favorite blog by the Yarn Harlot and came across the post A True Story.

If you have never read Stephanie Pearl-McPhee's blog before, it might not mean much to you to see that her latest book made the New York Time's Bestseller list. But it brought me to tears. The whole time I sat here crying I was thinking, "Girl, why are you crying?" But I knew. I was crying tears of joy for a writer who is so unassuming, incredibly entertaining, creative and popular for her "normalcy." I guess her type life is what would be the "normal soccer mom made it to the top" type measure for me. (Except they play lots more hockey in Canada than they do soccer. And I do believe that Stephanie has lots more smarts than Palin. But that is beside the point.)

But I was also crying because I have continued to put off my writing for months at a time when I know that is what I really want to do the most. Even more than knitting and guiding people to connect with their own creativity. But the beauty of it all is that I don't have to do just one thing. It is all such a harmonious package that I get to unwrap each and every day as I choose how I spend my time, what I share with friends, what I decide to learn next and what words I choose to describe it all.

There have been things that have happened this week that have made me swirl in the dimension of "every day could be your last." As a minister's spouse, I already have an unusually high awareness of how fragile life can be because we are called upon in the times of people's lives when things have taken very unexpected turns that leave them feeling overwhelmed and out of control. But there are still times that the delicate nature of life seems even more noticeable.

And in those times I am faced with the decisions of how I would change my life if I knew my days were numbered. (which is really an ironic realization because all of our days are numbered and why we sometimes forget this is really quite odd....) Are there things I would change? Are there ways I would spend my time that are different than my normal routine?

I would make the effort to focus more on my relationships than on my to-do lists.

I would take the time to look each and every person in the eye, to truly listen to what they wanted to say and to try to hear the emotions for which they could not find words to express.

I would share the depths of my love with my husband instead of tucking away parts of myself for "a time when we will not be interrupted."

I would hug and cuddle with my children and let them know they are the joy of my life, the light of my being and the pride of my heart. God didn't create me to just be a mother. It is in my mothering that God has shown me how to be His child.

And most importantly, in all things I would try to worship God. Because that is the what links our life on earth with our time in heaven. A worshipful heart will live in God's presence for all time.

And it is a very good feeling to know that these things that I would do differently are the very things that I have been striving to do every day for several years now. I am steadily working on being more available to others in friendship. And I have made good progress in not withdrawing inside myself for extended amounts of time. At the same time, I am finding balance in the recognition that a certain amount of time to withdraw and listen for God's voice is necessary for my spirit as an artist, writer, minister and authentic one in relationship with others.

Life is very good. Life is very fragile. Life is very unexpected some times. Life is very predictable in others. All the while God is with us, and we are with God. And it is ok to be who we are.

Whether that ever earns us earthly recognition like being on the New York Times Bestseller List or not. Whether our life goes on for sixty more years or ends tomorrow. We are what we are in the palm of God's hand, and we can rest in that comforting understanding.

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