Thursday, October 22, 2009

Be at Rest.

Do you remember the last time you woke up and realized something fairly important about yourself that you had not been able to see before? or that you have just decided you would rather not see?

I have had lots of time to think this week and have realized that sometime around the end of August, I just kind of slipped off into a distant place. I don't really think I have been depressed. I just have not been very connected with others. I have not read as many stories to the boys or taken very many pictures. I haven't scheduled baking sessions with Maddie or gone for as many drives with Malachi. I haven't been on as many dates with my beloved. And as a result, I think, my studio time has not been as productive and my spirit has felt lonely.

I am having a hard time finding the words to describe how you can go through the motions of your life but have such a heavy heart or a distracted spirit that you really aren't fully engaged. I know that writing always help to connect-the-dots of my life for me, so I have begun to wrestle with the words again.

It only takes a few words of reading the journaling on a scrapbooking layout for me to realize that I am letting my life slip by me. Sometimes I think my primary goal in life is to just feel better. I see all the things I do in life to try to make myself feel better, but when I look at each moment day by day, I don't really think I feel that bad. I wonder if this is just a natural human response. Do others of you search to ease a sort of tension or ache inside of you that is hard for you to identify and sometimes out of your scope of recognition? Do you find yourselves just doing things because of habit and not really stopping to think if those habits really help you anymore?

I am fairly self-critical. Probably too much so. But as I am coming out of this fallow time in which I have kept to myself a bit more than usual, I am wanting to discard of habits that have outlived their usefulness or have become unhealthy. I am realizing it is probably time to re-evaluate my self-talk (those things I say to myself over and over inside my own head without even realizing I am saying them....) and to make sure that the words that are flowing inside of me are ones that are encouraging, loving and full of mercy and grace.

As I was working from home yesterday and trying to stay balanced on my rolling desk chair while recovering from the flu, I heard a bit of a song by Steve Green called Be At Rest. I was listening to Pandora which doesn't allow you to "rewind" or request a specific song so I couldn't go back to the beginning. But the part I heard touched me. It was all about how God is in control and our soul needs to be at peace. It was a word that I needed to hear yesterday. And today. And probably tomorrow.

I will check in again tomorrow. I am going to go find the camera so I can take photos of my loved ones this weekend.

Be at Rest.

As always, I fear that people will tilt their heads at me and make judgments. But I guess more than that, I fear that no one will really read what I write and that my writing is really just a sort of self-encouragement. I guess if that is true, that is ok. It does help to motivate and encourage me. But if you read, would you mind commenting, even if you disagree with me? It sure feels good to know you have readers.


  1. I have been feeling this way too. When I do I tend to vollunteer for things and get real swamped, but then when I've accomplished all those things I look back knowing that I didn't do them on my own, but with His help.

  2. Lovely post. I feel that way often as well. I think it's difficult to be at rest, to listen to anything other than the little ones' chattering! And I think it stems from that for me. I'm a fairly introspective person, surrounded by little ones whose chatter is relentless. :)

    I'll have some quiet time in 2 weeks, and I'm looking forward to hearing what I hear.